Oh man...I need to write. I just had a time of speaking in which my volume was higher than normal and my heart rate was elevated (a more ladylike way of saying that I just yelled for a while). I obviously need to process. Oh how these situations make me wish I was an introvert that could sneakily process my own crazy thoughts in my own safe head without the need to externalize them into the unsafe world where I leave the conversation feeling vulnerable and drained. Oh to be an introvert....I think in my glorified body in heaven I might be an introvert.....here's hopin' :-)
As it is, this is the way God knit me together.....like a scarf that needs to process its feelings out loud. The scripture talks a lot about the difference between fools and those who are deemed wise, and it often boils down to this (oversimplified) fact: Fools vent their anger....but wise people quietly hold it back. Sigh....sounds so nice and dainty.....and so very difficult to carry out. I'm working on it though- maybe I'll start wearing heels and pearls and carrying one of those fancy fans around the house to remind me to be dainty. I'm not trying to poke fun at the scripture here....and I know I'm exaggerating...God is not claiming that a wise lady = a quiet girl who carries a fan and faithfully works on her etiquette. I do so long to be wise and virtuous though. I want to listen MORE than I talk and I want to THINK a whole lot before I release words into the wild where they escape the ability to be reigned back in. As it is with most things in life, this too, is a process. I'm tired. This being human stuff.....the learning and growing....it sucks sometimes....ahem, I mean it is a bit of a challenge (she says daintily in an English accent as she sips her tea without slurping ;-)
I will clarify that, though this post is sprinkled with silliness, I'm actually speaking on something much deeper than mere girlieness. It's an unspeakable kind of presence that I want to exibit when I walk into a room...that can only be described as...exuding the nature of Christ. I know some "southern belles" that, (bless their hearts ;-), can walk into a room appearing so sweet and kind-natured....and it's not this that I'm speaking of. I know some "northern gals" that, (insert northern pun here), can walk into a room with a kind of jarring confidence.....and it's not this that I'm speaking of either. I'm talking about somewhere between my green skirt and my holey jeans. Huh? I have this green skirt that, when I wear it, it makes me feel like a lady and a little more reverent.....and then I have a favorite pair of ripped jeans that make me feel comfortable and relaxed. This place I'm talking about lies somewhere between the two.....where I can just be both....where I can be all He created me to be and I feel valued and loved because He has allowed breath in my lungs for another day. Beauty really does not come from outward adornment.....uh oh...and what is the next part of that verse!? "....rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." ....oh man....there is that quiet theme again ;-) God, have mercy on the extroverts.
I've seen some people go on "speech fasts" before, where they decide not to speak for a certain period of time so as to gain a spiritual insight they may not have gained if they were talking. Now, I've mainly seen this result in much frustration from the surrounding people who are tired of feeling "ignored" by their speech fasting friend. I'm sure that there is value in this practice sometimes though....maybe? On second thought, it does make me laugh a little to think of one of the disciples asking Jesus a question, in which His response would be to hand them a piece of paper with the note, "I am on a speech fast." Just doesn't seem like something He would do. Oh my.....we are trying though, aren't we...we are trying to take on the nature of His character...and I do think that even our desire to do so must bring Him joy.
The thing is, Jesus just knew when to speak and when to keep silent. He had no problem standing up against injustice and idolatry, while also having the capacity to keep silent like a lamb being led to the slaughter. Oh to be fully God and fully man.....to exude both qualities of an extravert and an introvert.....seems so much "easier" to go through life being fully God.... but I know I could not drink the cup that Jesus drank....and this is why we bless His name. because we don't know what we are doing. because we were in desperate need for someone to take our place....someone who could handle it.....someone who walks into the room and has that unspeakable presence. Please make me more like you God....and yes, I know that means being quiet and gentle when it is my nature to yell against injustice...it would be easier to accomplish if I could just learn it by wearing heels and pearls and practicing etiquette...but I desire transformation in the inmost parts. Teach me your ways, oh God.