Wednesday, May 29, 2013

from the back door

this isn't going to be clear.  like a story or a tale. not like my usual blogging.  I'm not even going to bother with correct punctuation....well maybe I will for some of it...when my pinkie feels like reaching over to the "shift" key...and when Reverence calls for it... and when autocorrect takes over  :-)

these will just be ramblings.  so at the risk of being misunderstood (yea so might wanna skip this blog...I promise in the next...I won't be abstract...I'll maybe even throw in a chemistry equation...just for logical fun) we go.

I feel so tired. like a mess. but such peace too. strange how they can live together.  peace and a an old married couple named Marge and Wilbur... (nice job with the shift key pinkie...way to look alive)

I guess its like calm in a storm. but the winds don't seem strong right now, and the boat isn't rocking. its more like after a storm.  like when the water is murky and debris is scattered. 

in this moment im astounded. baffled by this God. who dips His toes into the murky waters...and in a moment you can see to the bottom.  wondrous. 

im filled up with awe by the gallons. at His mysterious ways. how He likes to surprise us at the back door. He comes around back because He comes all the time....He's no no need for the doorbell.  i remember times when He seemed like a no-show. through the cycles of seasons. years even. what were You doing then?  felt like you were in China or somewhere the only way i could meet with You would be to start digging 'til I got to the other side of the globe. oh, is that just a myth?

i know You were near.  because You don't lie.  and You say You don't leave.  maybe You were in the tree house out back...watching over....ever present.  but i like You at the back door.  i like You familiar.  amaze me always ok?  i guess i mean- take my blinders i might stay amazed.  soften my heart so i might be tender. noticing You in the breeze. watching You sway through tall grass. seeing you rustle the leaves.  beholding You in another's eye.  do away with this plank in my own....its really getting annoying. wash it away with tears. filter it out through the cross. that my eyes would be clean. clear of debris from the storm.  from the ship that went down. 

ever present. even when i thought of digging to China to find You. You would've just sat there and let me sweat wouldn't You? grinning down from the tree house out back. You got a sense of humor for sure. humor is in the clay.. and You are the Potter... where else would it come from? funny how we don't know You're funny... we don't even know "funny" I'm sure.  we don't even really know the "good medicine" it is when You tell a joke. You probably cure cancer with a joke. You've got jokes for days.... eternities.

im almost at the end of this thing but gosh i could go on forever. and You'd be worthy still.  praise leaves me breathless. mindless. if not for this body of death....I would go on adoring you, God.  if not for this temporal frame... I would forget sleep.  but here i sit. In the tired messy peace.  and that'll have to do for now.... until glory takes over.  You just wait though.... I'll show You Potter... i'll show You praise You deserve... but now it would just be zeal. because the truth is... only You give me strength to lift a voice or a hand. only You give me might to give to You.  What in the world Lord?  I guess that's just it.  You're so out of this world. so other than. reason fails. words fail. everything fails to speak You.

I guess I should retire now. Pinkie is tired from all of the reaching and its a wee hour.  You're incredible You know that?  I can only ask that you give me a dream so we can keep this going.... this adoration. wow. this really is all up to you isn't it.  I can't even will myself to praise You in sleep.  that too lies in Your hands.  cause you're holding the globe.... so my digging wouldn't have worked anyway huh? I guess all I can do is abide here. and let You let me praise You. 

love you more than words. more than milk from the farm.  and no one even really gets that but You.

See you at the back door,
Julie Eileen

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

"Lets go for a drive Jack"

I went to Target today.  To get TWO things.  Neither of them were clothing items.  I've been striving to simplify my life and needed to make sure that I did NOT get clothes.....but the craziest thing happened: as the sliding doors opened, somebody grabbed me, picked me up, and threw me clear across the store to the clothing department and I was like, "Hey! That was SUPER rude!" I kept yelling at them... ya know, saying how you can't just do stuff like that to people....(as I picked up some really cute pants and a few shirts.)  I mean that's how it is right... you walk in with fierce resolve... and then "someone" screws it up... or you screw it up :-/ ....but I didn't!  I didn't end up wasting money on clothes I don't need.  I looked at the pile in my hand and thought, "what the crap am I doing!?" Absolutely nothing in my hand was a necessity (and sadly...I probably have similar varieties of all of it in my closet already) I put every last item back.... and as I walked away, I gave a defiant look of strength to the sucker who had thrown me over there in the first place...
When I finally got the things I needed, on my way back up to the front of the store to pay, I fist bumped the clothes on the rack ...ya know, to show that we can be civil even if we can't be friends...
As I got in line, the Cashier was having a conversation with the Customer in front of me, which she then transferred to me.  She was telling me that she'd always been a "Daddy's girl," but had lost her Father in 2003.... that he'd given her his car and now- every time she gets in it to go somewhere- she says, "Let's go for a drive Jack." Who was this woman who shared such pearls with passersby who, soon before this moment, had so shallowly been thinking only of clothing? Her vulnerability was refreshing and it warmed me.  She had kind, sad eyes and I smiled at her and expressed my sorrow that she had lost her Daddy- to which she responded that her Mother had died of cancer and she had lost her sister too.  Checkout was over.  The next person had taken my place and was geared up and ready for transaction.....of money, not conversation... but the Cashier and I were still interacting and as I went to take the receipt, she placed her hand on mine and said, "Thank you honey."  I felt helpless...and rushed.  I felt sad that we are so often rushed out of connecting, even just for a few moments, with another human being.  The truth?  My people-pleasing of the hurried Customer behind me might have snuffed out a greater response... that the Cashier was worthy of.  It's not like I even know what I should have or could have done differently, the moment just didn't feel adequate... and it just got me thinking.  What are we in such a hurry for?  What is more important than the moment we are in?  Another thing about it hit me too... the ugly thought I had that the lady just might share this kind of thing with every customer.  That maybe she is just, "needy."  Maybe so....but who isn't?  I just wonder how much of the rhythm of our day is created by our lack of ability to hear a different beat?  Unfortunately, a lot of times, we tend to shame or ridicule those who march to the beat of a different drummer in life.  Brave souls who would actually take a moment to engage with the homeless man... or sit and talk with the odd person on the bench at the park.  I thought about how much of my energy is expended on the internal chaos that acts as a distraction to the beauty offered in the surrounding world. 

Took a walk with Mom this evening.  My lovely, steady, practical Momma (who I have never actually called, "Momma..." but it felt poetic in the sentence ;-)  I've cherished the times with her- especially lately.  If I haven't told you that out loud, Mom, I hope you read this and know it now.  A bird flew in front of us and my Mom commented on how pretty it was. Normally, our walks aren't like this....normally Mom is staring at the concrete sidewalk and speed walking....while I use my breath to keep up and to remind her to slow the pace....about every five minutes :-) But today was a different walk and Mom noticed the bird.  I told her about some specific people that I know who always just seem to take a moment to notice birds.  I told Mom about Janet- who goes with her husband yearly to upstate NY and they bird watch.  She is a connoisseur... seriously.  She knows every tweet distinctively and it always amazes me.  She could have invented twitter... ;-)

My friend Kathy is also a moment snatcher.  We will be walking along the canal trail and she will extend her arm in front of me, as to motion a pause- as she gets her phone's camera ready to capture something.... and then my eyes are opened to the flock of geese that are taking flight right before us by the hundreds it seems.... how could I have missed that before!? Or there are many times that she will stop, mid-sentence, to gush over a dog that's passing or to smell a daffodil.  It never fails to bring dimples to my face :-)  I adore that quality in people.  As we walked this same trail, my friend Haley made a comment that, I think, sums up what snatching a moment has the ability to be.  She was talking about all of the plants around us.... and how it was amazing what God created.  When I looked around to see what she was specifically referring to, I noticed how they were so crowded and wildly reaching a manner of praise it seemed. The world is full of beauty because God is beautiful.  We sometimes don't see the beauty in the world because we fail to take the moment.  Maybe we miss it in Him too for the same reason? 

Jesus was the ultimate moment snatcher....that's probably why I love it when I hear that note played in so many people that I know.  I'm thankful for those who call attention to the precious things that surround us. It is an evident light of the God that's within us.....and greater is He. 

Much Love,